On Networking — Pie of Life

Last week I had a long conversation with Rachel McMahon, a senior at Brown, about Networking. While she understood, in theory, that she needed to begin building relationships to support her exploration of post-graduate plans, she had many concerns that prevented her from getting started with an open heart. Through the course of the meeting, I shared several perspectives and stories that - by the end of the meeting - changed her mind and made her feel ready and excited to get started. I asked her to write back the discoveries she made from our meeting - most of which I’ve shared at the end of this post. I’d like to thank Rachel for helping me organize and bring clarity to my philosophy about this complicated topic - and hope that the stories and principles are useful outside the context of our conversation.

Before I share the principles that emerged from our conversation, I think it will be helpful to share a few brief (my stories are NEVER brief) that have informed my thinking and my practice.

Uncle Mat, Seeking Help From the World

In 1992, my brother and I purchased a business from our mother and step-father. I’d always had a cordial relationship with my step-father - but we’d never lived in the same house, so I never thought of him as much more than my mother’s husband. When we bought his company, he that didn’t work very well - partly because he was in Florida and partly because … I was probably not the easiest person to help (maybe a slightly over-inflated ego?).

Our business sold decorative bath accessories - vanity trays, trash baskets, tissue-box covers, etc - to national chain retailers like Walmart, Sears, and JC Penney. There was nothing unique about our products - but every year, we sold hundreds of thousands of them. That is until our customers started buying similar products from China at much lower products. In 1994, we lost two big accounts equaling 40% of our sales followed by other losses in 1995 for another 20%. In 18 months, our business was nearly destroyed - and I was clueless about how to proceed.

Around Thanksgiving of 1995, I received a call from my uncle - who after my father died was the closest male adult in my life. He also has one of the most brilliant business minds I have ever known. He had a complicated relationship with my step-father so had avoided offering me any advice about the business to avoid conflict. But in the phone call, he told me that he’d heard the business was in trouble … that I important to him and he was available to me for whatever I needed … and that he would handle any heat with my step-father. It was the most generous act of help I’d ever experienced.

Though Mat could have helped me alone, his first piece of advice was for me to form an advisory committee. He insisted I reach out to friends - an entrepreneur who’d grown her family’s metal refining business; another friend who’d been involved in several startups; and another who was the head of marketing for a national franchise chain. And they all agreed to show up every two weeks for two hours to help me. And each of them told me then … and later … that the experience was also beneficial to them - that they learned about their own business by giving me advice about mine.

But it was also one of the most important moments of my life - when I realized that the world is ready to help me … without expecting anything in return … and they often value the experience in ways that are unexpected.

Jewish Day School, and Seeking Wisdom From Others

In 2001 (or so), I was on the Board of Directors at the Alperin Schechter Day School that was affiliated with Conservative Judaism. The school played an important in the lives of my children and, more importantly to the vibrancy of Jewish life in Rhode Island. My wife and I loved and supported the school by volunteering in the classroom, serving on committees, and serving on the Board.

While the school offered a vibrant learning environment, our finances were always a bit shaky because our parents struggled to pay the tuition - and because of our mission, we never turned anyone away. Our Board felt that we could work our way to solid financial ground by changing the mission of the school to be more inclusive in the Jewish community - which involved changing the name of the school (Jewish Community Day School) and dis-affiliating with the Conservative movement (many more Jews in RI are Reform and unaffiliated). While many people welcomed the change, others were outraged - and the community erupted - and the school was suffering.

I began meeting with parents, teachers, administrators at the school, donors … somehow, I became the person in the community that everyone turned to to be heard and to find out what was going on. Along the way, I was elected Chair of the Board based on the trust people felt in my leadership. But the stress was too much for our Head of School and she quit suddenly - leaving the school in a very difficult position. It would be almost impossible to attract any serious candidates to the position with our financial situation and with the level of anger that existed in the school community.

Ralph is my best friend and took me aside one day and told me that in his expert opinion (he was a VERY successful Head of School at Gordon, in East Providence), I was the best person for the job. I was stunned because I had absolutely no experience in education. He disagreed - and to prove his point - he offered me a teaching job at his school. “What would I teach?”, I argued in disbelief. “It wouldn’t matter, he told me, you are a natural teacher - I’ve seen it every time you are with your kids or mine. You care about them - and you delight when you’re able to excite them about the wonders of the world around them”

I didn’t take the job and it took another 10 years before I formally taught in a classroom. But Ralph’s taught me the value of seeking and incorporating other people’s perspectives about my journey and important decisions. Their objectivity often brings new insights and clarity through complexity that is often difficult and impossible to discover on our own. I often thank him for helping me discover my inclination toward and natural ability as a teacher. Without Ralph, I doubt I would ever have found my way to Brown, to teaching, and to the most rewarding work I’ve ever done.

United Way, and Luck

My last story is brief - but also important. When I left my family business, I didn’t know what kind of job I should look for (longer story here) and was really struggling - and many of my friends jumped to my assistance. Karen thought that I belonged in the non-profit sector. The sector desperately needed business acumen - and she knew that my heart belonged in social impact work.

She told me about a position that was opening at the United Way because Bill Allen was retiring from his position as the Chief Operating Officer. She arranged for me to meet Bill and several things happened from that brief meeting. I understood the applicability of my business experience in the sector; I didn’t think I had the right experience to do his job; and I didn’t even get an interview when I applied.

But these are not the most important outcomes of that meeting. We did not meet again until after I began teaching at Brown but he was aware of my path because he served on the Board at Amos House. He’d heard that Swearer was looking for a Director of Social Entrepreneurship and he reached out to the Director to recommend me. If it hadn’t been for that meeting at the United Way, for the impression about my character that he formed, and the luck of us both being at Amos House at the same time, I would likely have never found my way to Brown.

There are many other stories to tell, but I’ll leave this for another day. For now, I’d like to describe my philosophy of networking as best I can:

Networking is and should be so much more about the generative, generous, and radical power of connection and collaboration rather than the utility-oriented function of transaction. (Add by Rachel … WOW!)

Networking done right is strengthened by intense curiosity - and can be a manifestation of a desire to learn in a human-centered way - to learn about the world through the lives and experiences of other people. Networking is a way of being more present in the world - to engage with more people, more different kinds of people, and about building our understanding about others and the world around us.

Networking, in its best sense, should be guided by the principles of Karma - to bring as much generosity and gratitude to each interaction so there might be more generosity and gratitude in the world to go around. Not necessarily for our own direct benefit - but in the end, we will all benefit from abundance.

When we take the long view about Networking, we can understand that the relationships we build along the way can be a source of generosity to others in our network. The network we build can be a resource for others when we make connections that help them move forward in their lives. This virtuous loop can only work when we approach networking with guidance by Karma and generosity.

I consider myself lucky and research shows that my personality and actions may be contributing to this perception / reality. I am goal oriented but flexible about how I might get there and I regularly engage in the world to create opportunities for random collisions and opportunities. By actively Networking, we become more present in the world and create greater chance for colliding with opportunities. In other words, the more we Network, the more we invite the world to offer us Lucky opportunities

Networking can be thought of as a kind of mindfulness via the Buddhist notion of Dependent Arising - that we originate from and depend on the infinite connections that create our world / our being. From this perspective, Networking reminds us that we are not alone but rather interdependent with our world in ways that can lead to greater awareness and trust in the connections that shape our being and our world. In other words trust that if we put our curiosity out into the world and if we embrace the interconnectedness of our lives good and generative things will come from it. Lean into connectivity, curiosity, and the possibilities/opportunities that connection may give rise to and trust in the goodness and generosity of people we may not know yet but who, for whatever reason, have entered our network/field of vision (Added by Rachel after the meeting)