Uncertain Gratitude

Lately, my morning calls to Mom have been preceded by a mix of hope and fear.  How is she feeling?  Did she have a good night and feeling ready to tackle another day?  Did she have a rough night and wake up feeling exhausted and defeated?

The worst days (for me) have been "setbacks" - when I'm expecting to hear her energy and strength, perhaps after she's had a couple good days, but hear weakness and defeat instead.  I'm sure her disappointment has the same effect on her. But the same thing happens in reverse - when I'm bracing for bad news but hear a bright and cheery "good morning".  I'm relieved and delighted ... but mostly filled with gratitude.

Thankfully, this has been a great week for Mom.  We decided to stop chemotherapy and switch to another therapy that has fewer, less debilitating side effects. Her energy has been better - she's started walking short distances in the morning, she's started going out again, and she's able to eat normal foods.  I was delighted the other night when she asked to go to Gregg's because she was craving their lobster salad roll. The little things have become incredibly meaningful in these times.

But the drug doesn't work for everyone - and we won't know for sure it it's working for Mom for almost two months when we repeat radiographic scans that will show the extent of her cancer. Until then, we have the option - that I will take to its fullest advantage - to interpret the situation with optimism.

So, when Mom's voice comes on the phone filled with life, I will choose to interpret this as a positive sign.  I believe that my attitude - and hers - have a positive impact on her outcome. I am choosing to interpret setbacks and rough days as just that ... a hill to climb or an obstacle to overcome.

Back to the morning calls.

This past week, the morning routine has been almost entirely positive. Mom is sleeping well, her coughing has calmed, and her nausea and appetite have improved. But each morning, I brace with uncertainty to hear her tone and know how she's doing. 

I wonder, though, if that sense of gratitude will persist if I'm not holding the question of uncertainty about her health and her vitality so presently in my mind and in my heart.  In fact, is this uncertainty actually the source of my ability to feel this intense gratitude for her health?

Maybe.  But for now, I am grateful to be grateful.