Silver Linings
I started writing this when the ordeal started. I didn't know how it would end. But I wanted to capture and remember the amazing feelings of love that have been happening in small moments that made a huge difference as we navigated this experience together.
I shared the first few entries with Mom on the way to our first appointment in Boston - and she reflected on one of her mother's - my Bubbie’s - favorite expressions: “there is something beautiful in every day”. Then I realized that these notes were designed to ground this experience in that exact ethos … thanks Bubbie
2/27 - Scott - I land in PVD after a conference in NOLA and call Scott. I'd sent a few brief notes about early testing and wanted to know what they mean. It's 11pm but he patiently walks me through every detail to be sure I can ask good questions when we talk to the doctor on Sunday. In the next 24 hours Scott never leaves my side.
2/29 - Call from Estelle - I'm coming... You're so sweet you are always there for her ... What are you talking about? She's my sister!
Another call early on from Peter Goldberg who wanted me know that he was available for ANYTHING I needed … ANYTHING. For emphasis and clarity, he offered to pickup toilet paper and deliver it to the house. ANYTHING
3/3 Out to dinner with mom - phone rings. This itself is an incredible annoyance - all these people who are constantly calling her - how can I get any time with her! I see the caller id - Richard and Betsy Shuster - conversation turns to bridge so it's either Henry or Richard. I realize it's Henry when she asks if he can corral Richard and David for a bridge game. Richard is going out so mom makes a date to play with Henry when we get home from dinner. Kibitzing. As mom hangs up she says goodbye - I love you too, Henry. We both immediately start crying as we acknowledge that Henry has stepped out of his own comfort zone to outwardly express his love that is often felt but not expressed openly
3/10 The support we have received from our community has been unbelievable and vitally important. along the way, I noticed that I started signing emails and text messages with the following: thanks so much for checking in. It means so much to know that you are thinking about us and with us. Actually everything
3/11 - Mom received her official diagnosis. While we were driving home, Mom decided that she needed space between herself, her diagnosis, and her family and friends. This space was needed to allow her to focus on her health and the people she loves - not her cancer. We all remembered Jerry, our dad and her first husband, who outlived his six-month Prognosis by more than 15 years.
3/11 We set up a Caring Bridge site to share news about Mom’s diagnosis & treatment with her friends. She became adamant that she did not want to discuss her health with anyone beyond her immediate family. We posted a journal entry with an update about the diagnosis and next steps - and included a request that her friends refrain from asking about health issues. “I do not want to be defined by my disease”. She took great pride in telling me the next morning during our morning call about each and every person that she gently stopped when they went down that path. She was determined to live every day to its fullest - an example for us every day of our lives.
We received a flurry of emails after we shared the news. All were encouraging and filled with love for Mom. My favorite from Lou Aronson: “fuck cancer"
3/11 We played Take after dinner at Mom’s house - and things got silly as they often do. Susie and Bari were competing for Mom’s favorite daughter in law by calling her cell phone to see which one she would answer
3/13 During our morning call, Mom asked me to post something funny on Caring Bridge - part of her campaign to maintain focus on the good things in her life despite the difficulties. Easier said than done - but she was expert in living her life exactly as she intended. Of course, I complied … congratulating her on her trash talking card play during Friday night’s card game. We also talked about her weight loss - and her readiness to do whatever it took to strengthen her body for the fight ahead. In this case, she asked me to help her find pot to help build her appetite. Perhaps she had a dual motive?
3/16 If you know Mom, you know she's a planner ... she's always thinking five steps ahead - and always has her ducks in a row. She should have been a Boy Scout because she's always "Prepared". In this case, she's instructed her "team" to secure a steady source of pot. She claims its about her health ... to maintain her appetite through her treatment ... but we've all been worrying if she's been repressing her own curiosities. Either way, stay tuned as Mom secures her "stash" for stories about her new experiences as a stoner :)